Sometimes, I wish I didn’t write, or I couldn’t write. These words on lifeless paper spell out sadness for me; they are a living proof of the dead hopes and bitter almonds that haunt you when the ghosts don’t. And when don’t they? They just don’t when you are so overwhelmed by what you are not, that you have no choice. You are scarred by blisters and you don’t even know why. Or maybe, you do. Because you are afraid of not being the first and the most powerful breath of fresh air that hits a warm, dry desert and helps you mount the Everest of Bliss.
Sometimes, you wish you didn’t feel so much. It’s a curse when it brings you to the dry autumn of melancholy and you realize with a sinking heart that you have missed the train – the train that was taking you towards a destination unknown, unheard, unseen, but a destination nevertheless. It shakes you down to your very bones and you hear your joints rattling with the disdain of bittersweet, the kind that leaves you all hopeless and vulnerable and seeking the kind of joy that only the heavens can fetch you.
Sometimes, I wish I had realised sooner that only the Divine is true and Everlasting and Omniscient and all the rest is just a figment, an illusion to give you a taste of ‘happy’ and of ‘joy’. Only He and He alone is yours truly and eternally. He is not yours alone, but He is still yours, all yours, forever and now, , because He created you with more complexity than the simplicity of your thoughts, and more simplicity than the complexity of your composition. Atoms, elements, compounds – these are but you. And while He created billions of galaxies, He also created you to be its rust, to be its stardust. How could you defy Him? His is the only Love that is yours alone despite being everyone’s.
‘And which of the favours of your Lord will you deny?’
Sometimes, it’s the possibility of all and the existence of none that brings you to the shadow of light. Sometimes…sometimes, it’s the sun shining after the night and the Black before the Yellow and Orange that brings you to the coolness of the warmth of home. Sometimes…