“You know how you pray for the happiness that you ‘deserve’? Doesn’t that scare you? I think it’s quite brave of you to pray for that!”
“No. Why should it? Jab Allah pe bharosa kiya hii hai, tou phr poora bharosa hii karyn naa.(When I’ve trusted God, then might as well trust Him completely!)”
“Woh tou sahi hai. (That’s fine.) But how are you confident that you deserve the happiness that will satisfy you? What if the happiness you experience right now is much more than what you actually deserve? Whatever I have in life right now isn’t because I deserve it, it’s because God has been pouring his infinite mercy on me. I am absolutely nothing and I deserve none of it. Having confidence in Him is one thing, and having confidence in your own heart is a completely different story. It’s very brave of you… I could pray to Him to make me such that I deserve happiness, but I don’t know if I’d be able to ask Him to give me what I deserve.
And that reminds me of one of my all-time favourite verses in the praise of God:
Shukar hai tera khudaya main tou iss qabil na tha
Tu ne apnay ghar bulaya main tou iss qaabil naa tha
Daal ki thandak meray seenay mein tu ne saaqiya
Tu ne seenay se lagaya main tou iss qabil na tha
Muddaton ki pyaas ko sairab tu ne kar diya
Jaam zamzam ka pilya main tou iss qabil na tha
Meri kotaahi ke teri yaad se ghaafil raha
Phir bhi tu ne na bhulaya, main tou iss qabil na tha.
(Thank you, my Lord; I am not worthy of this.
You called me to Your house; I was not worthy of this.
You gave me the peace of my heart
You hugged me as Yours; I was not worthy of this.
You quenched my centuries-old thirts,
You gave me the Holy Water; I was not worthy of this.
It is my fault that I am careless in Your remembrance.
Yet, You still called me; I was not worthy of this.)”
“You could be absolutely right. But then think about it this way: I could deserve less, I could deserve more. Both instances will bring me closer to my Rabb through His dhikr. I’ll thank Him, and Him alone, for giving me more than what I think I deserve. And if I want more – and there’s no harm in wanting more, as long as it’s legitimate and not at the cost of another’s happiness – I’ll ask my Rabb again. It’s a win-win.
Allah Ta’ala is Merciful.
You remember I told you about that dream I had? The one where I’m standing in the Court of Justice, and I’m questioned that if I can use the streaks of determination that is a little too engraved on my soul to achieve worldly goals, then why not use it to get closer to my Creator? Why not? So it’s just…that. Even in that dream, I just knew it. I knew I don’t deserve His mercy if I don’t listen to Him. And that, my friend, is why I ask Him for the happiness that He thinks I deserve. I don’t want more than what I deserve. I only want what I deserve.
Don’t you sometimes wonder why you weren’t born during the time of the prophets? Learned from them? Like their companions? Probably because that era – that huge, huge drop in this ocean of Time – had the hardships and rewards that they deserved and this era has the hardships and rewards that we deserve. Yes…
And because He created me because He is my Lord, I know that whatever joys and sorrows will come my way, it will be because I deserve it – I deserve to know how great Allah Ta’ala is and how Everything is in His power, He is Omnipresent and Omnipotent. I deserve the hardships that He puts me through, the sorrows that my heart bleeds over, the mistakes I repent over; because all of it is part of His grand, grand plan to make me a better person, a better Believer so I can hear the tearing apart of souls when I’m meant to, so I can sing a lullaby when I have to. So that when the pieces are put together, they are put together beautifully! So that I look to Him, and Him alone. And why do I deserve this? Because I am His. I deserve it because I am His, and to Him, I’ll return so He can do whatever He thinks is best for me. Who am I to complain? I am honoured to be important enough to have been born! Think. How many atoms and molecules came together to string my arteries and veins and capillaries? How was the soul blown into me? How? Why? Does that not amaze you into complete Submission?
We must accept the Light of God before we become the Light of God because there was a reason why Rumi believed that “the wound is where the light enters us”!
He is Ar-Rehman and Ar-Raheem. He is Al-Malik and Al-Muhaymin. Our Protector and Guardian. He is Al-Jabbar; He gets His Creatures to do what He wills. He is Al-Ghaffar; He Forgives. He is Al-Wahhab; He gives freely, without wanting anything in return. He is Al-Fattah; He opens All Things. He is Al-Adl. He is Ash-Shakur; He rewards well. He is Al-Karim. He is Al-Wadud; He loves us so much! He is Al-Muqaddim and Al-Muakhkhir; He causes us to be both near Him and away from Him. He is At-Tawab; He turns us sinners to repentance. He is Al-Hadi, An-Nur. He is As-Sabur; He times All Things perfectly. He is Allah.
So, no. I’m not brave. I am just struggling to be His. And I don’t want to get tired so easily!
And this why waiting for the angel Azrael is rather fascinating, for then, I can finally meet my Lord and ask him what the Grand Plan was – why humans were made so that they could not reach the centre of the earth but have walked on the moon, and how many earths are there, how many Milky Ways exist, do stars really have a soul, why we don’t understand ourselves – and, so many little things like why we dream, why silence speaks to the heart, why you and I are miracles! It’ll be exciting to get all the answers, I think. But that too will be earned. Before we get answers, we will get questions, let’s not forget that!
So, this is why I ask Allah Ta’ala for the happiness that I ‘deserve’. Because it makes me feel my Rabb. It’s like daring to live a special bond with Him. Allah is our Best Friend. I trust Him. Allah is our friend. He really is the best! And I am His. You, my beautiful friend, are His!”