The Painless Pain


( Waseem is standing besides a see-saw in the backyard of his ancestral home )

“Why *Ammi? Why did it have to be this way? Wasn’t there any other way to rid you of this pain? Wasn’t there any other way God could relieve you of these chains? I don’t know…..and anyways……I don’t care, for all I care about is that you deserved to be freed, you deserved to fly and not remain incarcerated in a cage.

The disease was killing you, wasn’t it *Ammi? I know it was. No, I don’t mean your physiological death. I mean the death of your soul…..the ever-laughing soul, one that refused to be bounded in chains, the soul that considered dependence on others a sin. Yes, that was killing you, wasn’t it? You, who have always chaperoned us, rescued us when we were beleaguered, nursed our wounds…how could you be dependent on others for such trivial matters as eating and drinking?

the painless pain image

You had the will-power, *Ammi. You definitely had the will-power to fight the cancer tooth and nail; the cancer that was the ferocious monster that refused to go away and was burning you down slowly and painfully. But you did not have the courage to receive sympathy from anyone, be they your own flesh and blood. Your pride, your dignity, refused to yield yourself completely in another’s care.

Yeah, *Ammi, they may call me cold, heartless, devoid of all filial emotions….but…but the truth is *Ammi….the truth is that I am glad. I am truly glad that you are free, free from the shackles of pain, free from your wounded pride.

You know that I love you, don’t you? I understood the pain beneath those black, mysterious eyes. And why wouldn’t I understand it? You are my mother, the woman who went through the pains of watching me falter, getting hurt. A mother and child’s love….it doesn’t need a language to be understood. It is just there…..like it always was….from eternity, when Adam and Eve first held their children…..

Ahhh….*Ammi. I miss you. I miss your mellifluous laughter, your comforting shoulder….Oh God, I miss you…even your presence was enough! But, no…..no……I am happy that you are free from all the pain…happy that you are up in Heaven, with God, and right now, you are smiling down at me and not accusing me of being a ruthless son, but an understanding friend…..”

*Ammi = mother

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16 thoughts on “The Painless Pain”

  1. That was so very touching and beautiful. Your mother is surely beaming at you for creating this blog of love and beauty. Ammi sounds like what we say in French “amie” meaning friend:) Bless you and thank you for sharing. Whispering Insights

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    1. Thank you for the lovely comments 🙂 And my mother is all hale and hearty and fuelling my dreams since forever! Wow,that’s a pretty good similarity between Urdu and French!

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